Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
