Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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