Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
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