would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
