I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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