I just pynch a tree in the face
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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