my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
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