I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
