I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
