i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
