I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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