It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
