Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Alive.
So much puke
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize