Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
