Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
