he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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