Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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