When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
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