You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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