Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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