Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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