I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
