There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
