Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
