Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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