Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
