Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I have tasted many bathrooms
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
