Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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