you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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