I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
a search helicopter?!
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
