I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
