Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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