Just took my morning after pill in the library
sarcasm needs its own font
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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