The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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