just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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