I should be sponsored by Trojan
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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