u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
