I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
