You're my little dorito
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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