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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
