You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
