Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
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