My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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