my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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