I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Randomize
