it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
