I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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