How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
