Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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