White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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