Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
